Spiraling around

I’ve allowed myself to spiral down a little recently…circling back around to some things that I still need to work on. Trying to allow my eyes to open to the things that make me less than perfect, which is, of course, my biggest flaw.

I don’t know where the need for perfection comes from. I don’t know why being seen as less than that throws me into terrified panic or why I hold myself to standards that are far above what I would expect from anyone else. I don’t know why I take that need out on the people that I love.

I really just want to feel like it doesn’t matter what I look like or that some days I’m a mess. I want to allow myself to let my guard down. I want to be less than perfect and be ok with it. I don’t know how to get there.

How do you let go of something that feels like it’s been with you your whole life? How do you release something when you don’t actually know what it stems from or where it’s hiding? I want to let it go because I don’t want to be perfect…I just want to be the me that I am when no one is looking.

Picture from pixabay.com

The Mirror

I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than staring at myself in a mirror. Mirror work is difficult for me because I immediately go to the paleness of my eyebrows, the thinness of my upper lip, the fact that despite having had my ears pinned back 15 years ago, they still stick out through my hair, which is quickly turning a lovely shade of Cruella Deville.

How, if I can’t look in the mirror without turning away after a few brief seconds, can I expect anyone else to want to look me in the eyes? It’s so difficult to realize that when I’m speaking to someone who is really listening, really paying attention to my features and I get the overwhelming urge to turn away…that’s not a discomfort that stems from the other person. That’s a deep feeling of “if I can’t even look at myself, why would they want to?” So I glance away, quickly usually, afraid that they will look to close and notice all the imperfections…notice that my face is not perfectly symmetrical. I don’t want to see that realization. I don’t want to hear, “You’re beautiful.” Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that’s lie.

But then, sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I take my own breath away. The contour of my cheeks that shows off the beautiful curve of my cheekbones. The deep aqua pools of my eyes that seem to get greener when I’m sad. The ears that stick out from my hair, just like my sister’s. Sometimes, I’m amazed that I don’t see those things that make me who I am more often.

I wonder if other people see them. I wonder, if I could see myself through someone else’s eyes just once, if I would only look for beauty. That’s what I do when I look at others. I never see flaws, only beautiful little things that make that person unique.

I am working hard to see those things in myself, as well. Working hard to reprogram my mind and finally release this thing that is not for my highest good. I know I will get there soon.