Alignment

Last year, I found myself in a strange place in my career. I loved what I was doing but something was off. At the time, I couldn’t pinpoint what was happening. I made the tough decision to take a step back from something I had thrown my entire being into creating. The truth is, my businesses were going in a direction that was no longer in alignment with who I was and who I wanted to be. I intentionally…consciously…allowed them to drift away because I no longer wanted that for myself.

I find myself lately, allowing those dreams of what the future could hold to float in and out…easily and peacefully. No stress attached to them. No worry about the how’s and why’s. Just a loving awareness that I’m headed toward something that is in perfect alignment with who I have become and the me that’s out there in the future, waiting patiently for the current me to arrive.

I’m allowing myself to drop the masks that have been placed on me by myself and others. It’s getting easier for me to say, “This no longer belongs to me.” What a relief to throw those old aspects of self into the flames that are fueling massive changes in my life. I am content, for the first time in a long time, with just allowing my life to flow. So I flow, towards a destination I can’t see, but that I trust is perfectly laid out so that I can be of service to those who need me…myself included.

The Mirror

I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than staring at myself in a mirror. Mirror work is difficult for me because I immediately go to the paleness of my eyebrows, the thinness of my upper lip, the fact that despite having had my ears pinned back 15 years ago, they still stick out through my hair, which is quickly turning a lovely shade of Cruella Deville.

How, if I can’t look in the mirror without turning away after a few brief seconds, can I expect anyone else to want to look me in the eyes? It’s so difficult to realize that when I’m speaking to someone who is really listening, really paying attention to my features and I get the overwhelming urge to turn away…that’s not a discomfort that stems from the other person. That’s a deep feeling of “if I can’t even look at myself, why would they want to?” So I glance away, quickly usually, afraid that they will look to close and notice all the imperfections…notice that my face is not perfectly symmetrical. I don’t want to see that realization. I don’t want to hear, “You’re beautiful.” Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that’s lie.

But then, sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I take my own breath away. The contour of my cheeks that shows off the beautiful curve of my cheekbones. The deep aqua pools of my eyes that seem to get greener when I’m sad. The ears that stick out from my hair, just like my sister’s. Sometimes, I’m amazed that I don’t see those things that make me who I am more often.

I wonder if other people see them. I wonder, if I could see myself through someone else’s eyes just once, if I would only look for beauty. That’s what I do when I look at others. I never see flaws, only beautiful little things that make that person unique.

I am working hard to see those things in myself, as well. Working hard to reprogram my mind and finally release this thing that is not for my highest good. I know I will get there soon.