Sunrise

Four years ago today, I was standing on a lovely beach at sunrise. The waves were crashing and it was hazy and warm. It was beautifully relaxing. I was a mess.

It was a day when I should’ve been happy. I had, less than 24 hours earlier, made a life changing decision. I should’ve been celebrating. Instead, I felt heavy. I knew in my heart I had made a mistake.

I can’t say I regret it. I walked the path I needed to so that I could finally know my own worth…The path that took me through very dark times that helped me grow so much stronger. It was my first step. My turning point. The death of a naive girl and birth of a wise woman.

I am so very grateful for that beach.

Photo credit: Me

Spiraling around

I’ve allowed myself to spiral down a little recently…circling back around to some things that I still need to work on. Trying to allow my eyes to open to the things that make me less than perfect, which is, of course, my biggest flaw.

I don’t know where the need for perfection comes from. I don’t know why being seen as less than that throws me into terrified panic or why I hold myself to standards that are far above what I would expect from anyone else. I don’t know why I take that need out on the people that I love.

I really just want to feel like it doesn’t matter what I look like or that some days I’m a mess. I want to allow myself to let my guard down. I want to be less than perfect and be ok with it. I don’t know how to get there.

How do you let go of something that feels like it’s been with you your whole life? How do you release something when you don’t actually know what it stems from or where it’s hiding? I want to let it go because I don’t want to be perfect…I just want to be the me that I am when no one is looking.

Picture from pixabay.com

Moving Forward

I have stepped into a new life. One filled with new people and new experiences. I step into every day like it’s a dew covered field of grass, sparkling and reflecting light all around. The beautiful new light and energy surrounds me constantly. Even in times of frustration or anxiousness, I feel that I’m surrounded by only those who want just as much peace and success for me as I do for myself.

I realized not long ago that I was struggling to move forward. I thought I was hanging on to something in the past. I have realized that really my struggle was in wanting a specific path for my future. So I let that go. Let go of the life that I thought I would be living. Let go of the people I assumed would be there waiting in the distance.

That sparkly light that surrounds me now was suddenly there, illuminating each step. One step is all I need to see. One step into the beautiful present. One step across that dew covered field. I trust that I am being guided only by love and light and that this path is leading me to a place where I can best be of service and where my greatest good awaits.

The Mirror

I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than staring at myself in a mirror. Mirror work is difficult for me because I immediately go to the paleness of my eyebrows, the thinness of my upper lip, the fact that despite having had my ears pinned back 15 years ago, they still stick out through my hair, which is quickly turning a lovely shade of Cruella Deville.

How, if I can’t look in the mirror without turning away after a few brief seconds, can I expect anyone else to want to look me in the eyes? It’s so difficult to realize that when I’m speaking to someone who is really listening, really paying attention to my features and I get the overwhelming urge to turn away…that’s not a discomfort that stems from the other person. That’s a deep feeling of “if I can’t even look at myself, why would they want to?” So I glance away, quickly usually, afraid that they will look to close and notice all the imperfections…notice that my face is not perfectly symmetrical. I don’t want to see that realization. I don’t want to hear, “You’re beautiful.” Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that’s lie.

But then, sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I take my own breath away. The contour of my cheeks that shows off the beautiful curve of my cheekbones. The deep aqua pools of my eyes that seem to get greener when I’m sad. The ears that stick out from my hair, just like my sister’s. Sometimes, I’m amazed that I don’t see those things that make me who I am more often.

I wonder if other people see them. I wonder, if I could see myself through someone else’s eyes just once, if I would only look for beauty. That’s what I do when I look at others. I never see flaws, only beautiful little things that make that person unique.

I am working hard to see those things in myself, as well. Working hard to reprogram my mind and finally release this thing that is not for my highest good. I know I will get there soon.

Renewal

I’m laying in bed when I suddenly have a vision of dirt coming up from under me and slowly covering my body. I hear a gentle voice telling me not to worry…Telling me I’m safe. The dirt is cool and comforting and it blankets me from head to toe.

“When you wake up, you will be renewed. The only thing lacking will be fear and doubt.”

It’s been a fearful month for me. I’ve avoided any spiritual work because I was afraid of going deeper into the things that were surfacing. Afraid of the changes that letting go would bring.

Last night was the first time I’ve meditated, done self-healing, or used any of the other tools that are available to me in over a month. I sat down in front of my altar and asked for help. That is always the hardest thing for me to do. I asked and I immediately felt the loving presence of spirit around me. I felt cradled in warmth and healing energy. I felt the release of many of the things I’ve held onto that were no longer serving me.

The one benefit of allowing myself to go lower than I like is that I can intensely feel the expansion of energy when spirit rushes in to help me. I take it for granted that I can feel that all the time when I’m taking care of myself. I don’t notice how it affects me until I’ve allowed the energy flow to trickle down to almost nothing.

So as I lay down to sleep last night, feeling waves of energy still flowing over me, I had full trust that spirit was burying me so that I could continue to grow. Those fears that I’ve been carrying with me were slowly, gently absorbed into the soil that surrounded my body. I woke up renewed, just as I was told.

New Business Coaching Service!

For several years now, I have felt called to coach others in creating a business they love.  For several years, I have also told myself that I wasn’t good enough!  I have been working hard at healing that part of myself, and after having several people tell me over the past few weeks that I should start doing business coaching, I decided it was time to put it out to the Universe that it’s something I’m ready to do…or maybe it was the Universe putting it out there to me that I’m ready.  🙂

I officially started my own business about six years ago.  I dove head first into running my own massage therapy practice after finding it hard to work for others in my area.  These were great businesses, but I had been doing massage for 12 years at the time and felt like I was ready to give running my own place a shot.  I wanted to create a place that my clients loved walking into and that I loved too.  So I set to work and I fell in love with my job all over again.

I did several business coaching sessions with a “famous” massage therapist at the start of my business adventure and found that instead of listening to what I wanted to create, she just told me what I needed to do to make money.  She didn’t seem to care about what vision I had of my perfect business.  I had no desire to bill insurance companies, but that’s what she told me that I needed to focus on.  I wasted time and money trying to promote a service that I wasn’t passionate about.  After about eight months, I stopped trying to do things her way and followed my intuition.  In a very short time, I was overflowing with clients.

I believe that not only my successes, but also the times that I have failed, have built up a skill set in me that will be a huge benefit for anyone who is ready to go out on their own.  I built a successful business by being conscious of my own needs and those of my clients.  I would honored to help you do the same.

To schedule a session, go to my Services page and scroll down to the Business Coaching session.  After you have completed your purchase, contact me at jamazingjourney@gmail.com to set up your appointment.  I can’t wait to work with you!

 

Intention Setting: 03/18/2018

This week:

I will be patient and flexible.

I will open my mind to new ways of thinking.

I will allow source energy to flow through me freely so that I can continue to heal myself and others in need.

I will gift myself with enough time to meditate deeply and give my thoughts to the universe.

I will care for myself as much as I care for  others.

I will be light in the darkness for someone who needs it.

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