Sunrise

Four years ago today, I was standing on a lovely beach at sunrise. The waves were crashing and it was hazy and warm. It was beautifully relaxing. I was a mess.

It was a day when I should’ve been happy. I had, less than 24 hours earlier, made a life changing decision. I should’ve been celebrating. Instead, I felt heavy. I knew in my heart I had made a mistake.

I can’t say I regret it. I walked the path I needed to so that I could finally know my own worth…The path that took me through very dark times that helped me grow so much stronger. It was my first step. My turning point. The death of a naive girl and birth of a wise woman.

I am so very grateful for that beach.

Photo credit: Me

Spiraling around

I’ve allowed myself to spiral down a little recently…circling back around to some things that I still need to work on. Trying to allow my eyes to open to the things that make me less than perfect, which is, of course, my biggest flaw.

I don’t know where the need for perfection comes from. I don’t know why being seen as less than that throws me into terrified panic or why I hold myself to standards that are far above what I would expect from anyone else. I don’t know why I take that need out on the people that I love.

I really just want to feel like it doesn’t matter what I look like or that some days I’m a mess. I want to allow myself to let my guard down. I want to be less than perfect and be ok with it. I don’t know how to get there.

How do you let go of something that feels like it’s been with you your whole life? How do you release something when you don’t actually know what it stems from or where it’s hiding? I want to let it go because I don’t want to be perfect…I just want to be the me that I am when no one is looking.

Picture from pixabay.com

Moving Forward

I have stepped into a new life. One filled with new people and new experiences. I step into every day like it’s a dew covered field of grass, sparkling and reflecting light all around. The beautiful new light and energy surrounds me constantly. Even in times of frustration or anxiousness, I feel that I’m surrounded by only those who want just as much peace and success for me as I do for myself.

I realized not long ago that I was struggling to move forward. I thought I was hanging on to something in the past. I have realized that really my struggle was in wanting a specific path for my future. So I let that go. Let go of the life that I thought I would be living. Let go of the people I assumed would be there waiting in the distance.

That sparkly light that surrounds me now was suddenly there, illuminating each step. One step is all I need to see. One step into the beautiful present. One step across that dew covered field. I trust that I am being guided only by love and light and that this path is leading me to a place where I can best be of service and where my greatest good awaits.

Alignment

Last year, I found myself in a strange place in my career. I loved what I was doing but something was off. At the time, I couldn’t pinpoint what was happening. I made the tough decision to take a step back from something I had thrown my entire being into creating. The truth is, my businesses were going in a direction that was no longer in alignment with who I was and who I wanted to be. I intentionally…consciously…allowed them to drift away because I no longer wanted that for myself.

I find myself lately, allowing those dreams of what the future could hold to float in and out…easily and peacefully. No stress attached to them. No worry about the how’s and why’s. Just a loving awareness that I’m headed toward something that is in perfect alignment with who I have become and the me that’s out there in the future, waiting patiently for the current me to arrive.

I’m allowing myself to drop the masks that have been placed on me by myself and others. It’s getting easier for me to say, “This no longer belongs to me.” What a relief to throw those old aspects of self into the flames that are fueling massive changes in my life. I am content, for the first time in a long time, with just allowing my life to flow. So I flow, towards a destination I can’t see, but that I trust is perfectly laid out so that I can be of service to those who need me…myself included.

The Mirror

I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than staring at myself in a mirror. Mirror work is difficult for me because I immediately go to the paleness of my eyebrows, the thinness of my upper lip, the fact that despite having had my ears pinned back 15 years ago, they still stick out through my hair, which is quickly turning a lovely shade of Cruella Deville.

How, if I can’t look in the mirror without turning away after a few brief seconds, can I expect anyone else to want to look me in the eyes? It’s so difficult to realize that when I’m speaking to someone who is really listening, really paying attention to my features and I get the overwhelming urge to turn away…that’s not a discomfort that stems from the other person. That’s a deep feeling of “if I can’t even look at myself, why would they want to?” So I glance away, quickly usually, afraid that they will look to close and notice all the imperfections…notice that my face is not perfectly symmetrical. I don’t want to see that realization. I don’t want to hear, “You’re beautiful.” Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that’s lie.

But then, sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I take my own breath away. The contour of my cheeks that shows off the beautiful curve of my cheekbones. The deep aqua pools of my eyes that seem to get greener when I’m sad. The ears that stick out from my hair, just like my sister’s. Sometimes, I’m amazed that I don’t see those things that make me who I am more often.

I wonder if other people see them. I wonder, if I could see myself through someone else’s eyes just once, if I would only look for beauty. That’s what I do when I look at others. I never see flaws, only beautiful little things that make that person unique.

I am working hard to see those things in myself, as well. Working hard to reprogram my mind and finally release this thing that is not for my highest good. I know I will get there soon.

Renewal

I’m laying in bed when I suddenly have a vision of dirt coming up from under me and slowly covering my body. I hear a gentle voice telling me not to worry…Telling me I’m safe. The dirt is cool and comforting and it blankets me from head to toe.

“When you wake up, you will be renewed. The only thing lacking will be fear and doubt.”

It’s been a fearful month for me. I’ve avoided any spiritual work because I was afraid of going deeper into the things that were surfacing. Afraid of the changes that letting go would bring.

Last night was the first time I’ve meditated, done self-healing, or used any of the other tools that are available to me in over a month. I sat down in front of my altar and asked for help. That is always the hardest thing for me to do. I asked and I immediately felt the loving presence of spirit around me. I felt cradled in warmth and healing energy. I felt the release of many of the things I’ve held onto that were no longer serving me.

The one benefit of allowing myself to go lower than I like is that I can intensely feel the expansion of energy when spirit rushes in to help me. I take it for granted that I can feel that all the time when I’m taking care of myself. I don’t notice how it affects me until I’ve allowed the energy flow to trickle down to almost nothing.

So as I lay down to sleep last night, feeling waves of energy still flowing over me, I had full trust that spirit was burying me so that I could continue to grow. Those fears that I’ve been carrying with me were slowly, gently absorbed into the soil that surrounded my body. I woke up renewed, just as I was told.

Meet Susan

These past few weeks have been filled with moments that have triggered me. Moments that have made me feel like a downward spiral was coming. Moments of pain and overreaction that, at another time, would have sent me spiraling out of control.

Except…now I know that my intense physical and emotional reactions are nothing more than my ego kicking in. So I have to say, “Dammit Susan, (yes, I named my ego Susan) go sit in the corner.” “Dammit Susan, go sit on the porch.” “Dammit Susan, I know that you are feeling unsafe and I love you for trying to protect me.”

There are no bad guys here; no boogie men in my closet. Only my thoughts running wild, trying to make monsters out of mice. I am safe. In the chaos of these major life changes, I am surrounded by protectors.

In the knowledge that there is nothing trying to hurt me, not really, is understanding that everything that is happening now is only meant to free me from the things that are holding me back. I am on my way to freedom and success and happiness in my life. I am being guided to exactly where I need to be. Above all else, I am safe.

Microbiology and Thoughts on Life

Several years ago, I took a microbiology class. It is still one of my all-time favorites because it brought about deep insights during a very dark period of my life. I remember sitting there listening to my professor talking about the jobs of different cells in the body and being fascinated by how human-like they seemed.

There are cells that protect us, cells that heal us, cells that act as an almost military unit to fight off invaders, and even cells that act like garbage trucks gobbling up the “trash” that’s floating around in our bloodstreams. These tiny little cells make up the whole that is us. So do we make up the whole of something else? Something far larger and greater than ourselves? If these tiny cells aren’t doing their jobs, the system fails. What if, by not listening to spirit when we are called to a place, person, action, etc., we are ignoring our role in the system around us?

I started to think of the earth as a whole being and myself as one tiny functioning part. Am I doing my part to keep this system functioning? If I’m not, and there are many others who are not, then does the whole system fail? How do you fix a failing system of this size?

When the body is sick, we give it medicine to cover up a problem or vitamins and minerals to help it heal. We give our bodies the building blocks to repair themselves. I want to be a building block for our world…not a bandaid that just covers up a wound. What if we could all be the vital nutrients needed to repair our beautiful earth? Maybe those of us who listen to her calls are here to help others learn to hear the whispered words of spirit, as well. Maybe I should no longer question the things that are calling me, just in case I’m being called to be a building block.

The Flow of Healing

I was doing a massage today and the thought came to me that, just like spiritual and energetic healing, there are many layers when it comes to physical healing, as well. When I allow myself to just flow during a session, those layers appear to me so easily. When I fight against that flow, not only do I hinder the healing of my clients, I also don’t allow for healing in myself.

In my own healing, I am still learning to go with the flow. A year ago, I was deep in period of burnout. I found myself exhausted and ready to quit. I was always thinking and planning what the next session would look like, especially when it came to new clients. There were times when I would turn off my mind and, when the session was over, walk out of the room thinking that I should have done more…my clients, however, almost always walked out saying it was the best massage they had ever had. I started to realize that if I just allowed the session to go where my intuition was pointing it, I came out more relaxed myself and my clients saw even more benefits.

Still, the constant drain of learning new client’s bodies and energy was taking its toll, so I decided to take a small step back. I took a job managing a counseling center where some of the most extraordinary women I’ve ever met work. I cut back to seeing only my regular clients and started working on my own healing even more. I listen to my body now and know that when a physical symptom comes up, it is more than likely related to something on a spiritual, energetic, or even mental level. Being led to work with counselors opened up another resource for me and one that I can present to my clients when I feel there is something outside of my scope of practice that needs to be worked on.

Creating resistance in my work and my life, causes suffering and impedes healing. I’m still learning this and still learning to let go of needing to be in control of everything. I’m learning to trust that spirit will always point me in the right direction. I’m learning to stop doubting those moments of intuition. I’m learning that if I allow it, I will naturally flow to a place where I can heal myself and where I can help others on their journey, as well.

Welcoming New Souls

Over the weekend, my brother welcomed his second son into the world. He is a beautiful, chubby little guy who melted my heart as soon as I saw him.

As I held him, I wondered what lucky soul was occupying his tiny body. I wondered if I had met him before and what impact he was destined to have on this world. I’m sure his presence, along with his equally wonderful, older brother, will help make this world more beautiful, more loving, and more full of light.

Welcome to the world, baby Alex. You are so loved.